Whodidesay?
When I was in college, they worked out this engineering formula which epitomized Suhail the Student:
In other words, whenever I used to sit on the front bench, I used to crash like a dazed hippo, Kumbhakarna, or Rip van Winkle. And whenever I used to be a back bencher, too far away to notice anything on the blackboard or hear the nutty professor's pearls of wisdom, I'd be as wide awake as you were just before this post started sending you into a sonorous soporific haze of boredom.
I happen to have attended a college where they, realizing this fault in my genetic composition, made me a back bencher for two full years. So despite my best attempts, I was unable to fall asleep in class. That of course does not mean I'd actually listen to the nutty professors. And my grades prove I didn't. And I'm not going to show you my abysmal grade card. What I would do was doodle caricatures of the professor's big ears / nostrils / fangs, tap my feet to the rhythm of whatever tune I liked at the time, solve the Times Daily crossword puzzle or die trying (I died every day except two), and feverishly note down some hatke statements made by those nutty professors. So here's a compendium of these statements ... a product of sweat, toil, tears and two years' wakeful Rigorous Imprisonment Without The Option in class ...
Prof entering a half-empty classroom: Are we in the right classroom ??
What is the example of a random event? Put a bunch of monkeys in a room, add a few typewriters and given a length of time they will produce all the works of Shakespeare !!
Princess Diana said it was a crowded marriage ... she was speaking the truth !!
Prof on colas: God did not ask me to drink this black water !!
Prof on Push Systems wrt Tirupati Temple: If you push the guy in front of you a little bit, you can make him see the lord. If you push the guy a little more, you can send him to the lord !!
These people walk for five days to go to Tirupati ... stand in line for 10 hours for darshan ... and finally when they get 10 seconds to actually see the idol, they'll close their eyes !!!!
Prof on Toyota Production Systems: Toyota Production Systems is similar to Dawood Ibrahim. Both have the philosophy that wherever there is waste, ELIMINATE it !!
You people have a nice way of avoiding me. Whenever i ask a question, you girls start looking in your books as if you are very busy. And you guys look away like newly married brides !!
On the Toyota worker's apathy to the company's problems: Here you are jumping up and down like an intoxicated monkey, and you go to the workers and he shrugs and says, "is there a problem?"
Definition of cycle time: Cycle time does not mean that you take three women and expect to have a child in three months, it will still take nine months !!
Student: This is what I think.
Prof: This is not your contention but your confusion and at best you can have confusion because it is your birthright !!
I am stunned by your intellectual inferiority !!
Prof on first day of class, enters room, takes off his shoes, sits cross-legged on table and says in deep baritone: Consultants are insecure overachievers !!
Prof: What would you want? Freedom or Air-conditioned Buses?
Student: Both, I guess.
Prof: You cannot get both. That would be like having a mistress and a wife.
Student: That's a philosophical analogy.
Prof: There is nothing philosophical about it. It is very materialistic !!
I am a sadistic monkey, you know !!
... when my son was 3 years old... yes he actually once was even though he thinks he was born at 15 !!
I'm not marketing myself, it's too late !!
I'll market myself to you only when you are my "future Son-in-law" OR "potential Father-in-law" !!
I don't care if I'm wrong. If I happen to be reasonably right, its OK !!
Women are fragile, but they can be powerful also ... they can tilt and kick the scooter !!
On bad working capital management: It's like you are not even married and you are borrowing money on your children !!
You can't focus on your spouse and children at the same time ... for that you need a different level of focus !!
You cannot put ATMs everywhere. For example you cannot put an ATM in a Hanuman mandir because then Hanuman will run away with the ATM !!
Student: Sir, the company's strategy is they want to enter the rural market.
Prof: That is not strategy, that is desire. See, there is a difference between desire and strategy. Ravana wanted to spend some time with Sita - that was desire. He got Maareecha to lure away Rama - that was strategy !!!!
Prof telling student to use calculator: Use the superfast donkey in front of you, change the variables and give me the answer in 5 seconds !!
Kotler is a very good book (pregnant pause) to be kept in the book shelf !!!
Prof: Who is Crow?
Student: Err ... I'm not sure.
Prof: Who is Crow? Crow is there, sitting on top of the tree and doing crow, crow !!
I will not push you to the wall ... NO ... I will push you through the wall !!
Don't give me half a point !! Therefore ...
Interrupting a verbose student: Junk ...
To a student muted by fear: Audio ...
To another student muted by fear: Move ...
Student: Sir, Kotler says ...
Prof: Do you have a girl friend?
Student: No sir ...
Prof: Haan, that's why you have time to read Kotler !!
This question is an insult to our intelligence !!
Ho Ho Ho... Homogeneous.... Guys do not get wrong ideas !!
This is the first class of the day (yawns loudly) .. and I use this to get myself fully awake !!
Ideas come more quickly once you have taken some inspirational liquids !!
A word that can be used for asking questions can also be used for answering questions !!
Infrastructure is all about Infra and Structures !!
Just because there is a small hole in my armour i will not allow you to pierce your sword in and drill my heart !!
Prof AB: Confident ... lock kar dein ... hey now i am talking like the other AB !!
If there’s no quorum, the meeting has to be adjourned. But if no one turns up, then there’s no meeting. So what will be adjourned ???
If 10,000 unemployed men dig holes in the ground and fill them again -- India's GDP increases !!
You know when you recite all those shlokas, why do you think they start with OM? That OM is Operations Management !!
Student: Sir this answer is too large a number.
Prof: So what if it is a very large number. There are many numbers which are very large !!
I will not disturb you if you are sleeping in the class because if Abhimanyu learnt so much when he was in his mother's womb you could learn atleast something while in a slightly advantageous situation !! (Yep that was to me !!)
Distance from Professor directly proportional to Wakefulness
In other words, whenever I used to sit on the front bench, I used to crash like a dazed hippo, Kumbhakarna, or Rip van Winkle. And whenever I used to be a back bencher, too far away to notice anything on the blackboard or hear the nutty professor's pearls of wisdom, I'd be as wide awake as you were just before this post started sending you into a sonorous soporific haze of boredom.
I happen to have attended a college where they, realizing this fault in my genetic composition, made me a back bencher for two full years. So despite my best attempts, I was unable to fall asleep in class. That of course does not mean I'd actually listen to the nutty professors. And my grades prove I didn't. And I'm not going to show you my abysmal grade card. What I would do was doodle caricatures of the professor's big ears / nostrils / fangs, tap my feet to the rhythm of whatever tune I liked at the time, solve the Times Daily crossword puzzle or die trying (I died every day except two), and feverishly note down some hatke statements made by those nutty professors. So here's a compendium of these statements ... a product of sweat, toil, tears and two years' wakeful Rigorous Imprisonment Without The Option in class ...
Prof entering a half-empty classroom: Are we in the right classroom ??
What is the example of a random event? Put a bunch of monkeys in a room, add a few typewriters and given a length of time they will produce all the works of Shakespeare !!
Princess Diana said it was a crowded marriage ... she was speaking the truth !!
Prof on colas: God did not ask me to drink this black water !!
Prof on Push Systems wrt Tirupati Temple: If you push the guy in front of you a little bit, you can make him see the lord. If you push the guy a little more, you can send him to the lord !!
These people walk for five days to go to Tirupati ... stand in line for 10 hours for darshan ... and finally when they get 10 seconds to actually see the idol, they'll close their eyes !!!!
Prof on Toyota Production Systems: Toyota Production Systems is similar to Dawood Ibrahim. Both have the philosophy that wherever there is waste, ELIMINATE it !!
You people have a nice way of avoiding me. Whenever i ask a question, you girls start looking in your books as if you are very busy. And you guys look away like newly married brides !!
On the Toyota worker's apathy to the company's problems: Here you are jumping up and down like an intoxicated monkey, and you go to the workers and he shrugs and says, "is there a problem?"
Definition of cycle time: Cycle time does not mean that you take three women and expect to have a child in three months, it will still take nine months !!
Student: This is what I think.
Prof: This is not your contention but your confusion and at best you can have confusion because it is your birthright !!
I am stunned by your intellectual inferiority !!
Prof on first day of class, enters room, takes off his shoes, sits cross-legged on table and says in deep baritone: Consultants are insecure overachievers !!
Prof: What would you want? Freedom or Air-conditioned Buses?
Student: Both, I guess.
Prof: You cannot get both. That would be like having a mistress and a wife.
Student: That's a philosophical analogy.
Prof: There is nothing philosophical about it. It is very materialistic !!
I am a sadistic monkey, you know !!
... when my son was 3 years old... yes he actually once was even though he thinks he was born at 15 !!
I'm not marketing myself, it's too late !!
I'll market myself to you only when you are my "future Son-in-law" OR "potential Father-in-law" !!
I don't care if I'm wrong. If I happen to be reasonably right, its OK !!
Women are fragile, but they can be powerful also ... they can tilt and kick the scooter !!
On bad working capital management: It's like you are not even married and you are borrowing money on your children !!
You can't focus on your spouse and children at the same time ... for that you need a different level of focus !!
You cannot put ATMs everywhere. For example you cannot put an ATM in a Hanuman mandir because then Hanuman will run away with the ATM !!
Student: Sir, the company's strategy is they want to enter the rural market.
Prof: That is not strategy, that is desire. See, there is a difference between desire and strategy. Ravana wanted to spend some time with Sita - that was desire. He got Maareecha to lure away Rama - that was strategy !!!!
Prof telling student to use calculator: Use the superfast donkey in front of you, change the variables and give me the answer in 5 seconds !!
Kotler is a very good book (pregnant pause) to be kept in the book shelf !!!
Prof: Who is Crow?
Student: Err ... I'm not sure.
Prof: Who is Crow? Crow is there, sitting on top of the tree and doing crow, crow !!
I will not push you to the wall ... NO ... I will push you through the wall !!
Don't give me half a point !! Therefore ...
Interrupting a verbose student: Junk ...
To a student muted by fear: Audio ...
To another student muted by fear: Move ...
Student: Sir, Kotler says ...
Prof: Do you have a girl friend?
Student: No sir ...
Prof: Haan, that's why you have time to read Kotler !!
This question is an insult to our intelligence !!
Ho Ho Ho... Homogeneous.... Guys do not get wrong ideas !!
This is the first class of the day (yawns loudly) .. and I use this to get myself fully awake !!
Ideas come more quickly once you have taken some inspirational liquids !!
A word that can be used for asking questions can also be used for answering questions !!
Infrastructure is all about Infra and Structures !!
Just because there is a small hole in my armour i will not allow you to pierce your sword in and drill my heart !!
Prof AB: Confident ... lock kar dein ... hey now i am talking like the other AB !!
If there’s no quorum, the meeting has to be adjourned. But if no one turns up, then there’s no meeting. So what will be adjourned ???
If 10,000 unemployed men dig holes in the ground and fill them again -- India's GDP increases !!
You know when you recite all those shlokas, why do you think they start with OM? That OM is Operations Management !!
Student: Sir this answer is too large a number.
Prof: So what if it is a very large number. There are many numbers which are very large !!
I will not disturb you if you are sleeping in the class because if Abhimanyu learnt so much when he was in his mother's womb you could learn atleast something while in a slightly advantageous situation !! (Yep that was to me !!)
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