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Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Evolution in a Day

Today's your lucky day, mon ami. For just this morning, while you were brushing your premolars, you were wondering about the lifestyle your hominid ancestors led, right? Well, read right on and know for yourself ...

The Settings (as in Tools -> Internet Options -> Settings)
The Year: 20,004 BC
The Place: Latitude 22.8 deg. N, Longitude 72.5 deg E
The Hero: Cro-magnon dude. Named 'Argh'
The Heroine: Neanderthal woman 1, Argh's wife. Named 'Brgh'
The Vamp: Neanderthal woman 2, Argh's ex-girlfriend, he still has a crush on her hairy forearms and protruding foreskull, but don't tell Brgh. Named 'Crgh'
The Child Star: Argh and Brgh's first son, in who Argh is well pleased, named 'Abel'. Elder brother to Argh and Brgh's second son, named 'Cain'
Guest appearance: Darwin's ghost
Narrator: The real hero, named 'Gah'

(Rah rah rah !!
Three cheers for Gah !!)

The Prehistorical Play - Evolution in a Day
Gah: It is morning. Argh is a happy man. He has thought up a new word, 'Drgh'. So now humanity's vocabulary has extended to six words. Argh, Brgh, Crgh, Abel, Cain, and now Drgh. So who or what is Drgh? Obviously Drgh will be the name of Argh's next child. Hmmm, time to procreate again, thinks Argh to himself as he rubs white cockroach blood over his teeth to remove the red stains caused by that Tandoori T-Rex they had for dinner last night.

Brgh (from kitchen): Argh dearie, breakfast's ready.

Argh (plucking hairs from his chin): Waitaminnit, I'm shaving.

Gah (apologetically, from behind the curtains): Ok, so their vocab seems to be a bit more evolved than the historically documented six words ...

Argh (emerging from washroom): Yep, now I'm ready. What's for breakfast, sweetums?

Brgh: Your favorite Pterodactyl egg omelette, lovey-dovey cro-magnon matey.

Gah: Hm, seems like romantic mush was predominant even then.

Argh (breakfasting): Glob! Shlob! Gulp!

Brgh (reprovingly): Now now, Argh, chew your food. Else how will our molars evolve?

Argh: True true. Ok sweetums, Argh is off to work. I'll get a tender baby dino for dinner, see if I don't. Where's my stone stick?

Brgh: Here dearie. I wish you had one of those steel clubs ... it's stronger.

Argh: My impatient sweetums, maybe I'll call you impatientums, wait a couple of thousand years and maybe iron will be discovered. Then we can make those steel clubs. Ok, Argh off!

Gah: Brgh stares at her hero, hands clasped, under-evolved irises shining, as Argh swaggers away into the sunrise with his stone stick and his Amex credit card.

As Argh walks along leafy meadows and shady glens, he sees Crgh milking a rhododendron.

Argh: Hi jaanu! C'mere gimme a kiss.

Crgh: Eugh!! You look like you haven't had your annual bath yet.

Argh: Tchah, I've put on T-Rex-ona deo naa. C'mere gimme a kiss.

Crgh: You dumb mammal, don't you know the Council of Stonehenge has introduced a new sexual harassment code of conduct in this prehistoric workplace? Then there're these hot new concepts called monogamy and fidelity ...

Argh: Argh!

Gah: So Argh trundles off in a huff and, in a fit of temper, bashes the brains out of a friendly dodo, thus rendering the species brainless and liable to extinction. By the time Argh returns home, it is sunset.

Argh: Brgh, Argh has returned home and it is sunset.

Gah: Argh plonks his hefty unevolved bottom onto a rough hewn stone and stares blankly at the wall with glassy eyes and mouth hanging open.

Brgh: Hi jaan! What're you looking so stupidly at?

Argh: The blank wall where, had I been born after Charlie Chaplin, there'd have been a television set with multiple channels in colour. So what'd you do today?

Brgh: Oh the usual ... some shopping, some backbiting about the neighbours, some drawing with charcoal on walls. Thank God we haven't discovered fire, else I'd also have been expected to cook! By the way, Abel is home from school.

Argh: This is my son in who I am well pleased. So son-in-who-I-am-well-pleased, what'd you learn in school today?

Abel: Hi dad. Hi readers. I'm Abel, and boy am I able. Today we learnt about two great futurorical people. The first guy will prove evolution through his famous book "Origin of Species", which I heard as "Oranges and Peaches" and which Cain heard as "Aurangzeb's Speeches". This guy's name will be a very impressive 'Charles Darwin'. The second guy will disprove evolution through his famous prehistorical play, "Evolution in a Day". His name will be a very unimpressive 'Gah'.

Argh: Gah? Gah?? Wow, that's a word even I can pronounce! Ok, Drgh shall be followed by Gah. Golly, I'm lagging behind in my procreating timetable. Hey this Gah sounds like a mighty interesting character. Like a higher and more evolved spiritual being. I feel like singing his paeans day and night. Of course, that's also because he's the narrator and he's standing behind these curtains and threatening to wallop me with my stone stick if I criticize him, the dumb ass. So son, what else did you learn?

Abel: Well, Gah will live his life under the pseudonym 'Suhail'. We learnt this nursery rhyme ...

Oh our darling blogger Suhail
Has many a tale to tell
And though they aren't too swell
At least they aren't as bad as hell !!

We also learnt that Neanderthal man is older than Cro-magnon man, which means mum is older than you by, like, a few millenia. Later we'll stand straight and scientists will name us Homo Erectus. Then we'll develop the opposable thumb so we can control the TV remote better, then we'll be called Homo Sapiens, what a dumb name isn't it. The pinnacle of evolution will come when some people who will call their land 'USA' will chuck their aged helpless parents into old age homes, kick their kids out the moment they turn 18, drop bombs on all other countries, and live happily and all alone ever after.

Argh: Wow, thankfully we're not that evolved yet. Ok son, now have dinner, see I've got thick-upper-lip-smacking bashed dodo brain for us. Then say your prayers and off to bed. Nitey-nite !!

Darwin's ghost (in background): Hey 20,004 BC was kinda like 2004 AD !! Et tu, evolution?

Gah: And so the sun sets on yet another ordinary day in the life of our typical hominid ancestors ...

* And here endeth the Prehistorical Play *

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