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Wednesday, October 20, 2004

The Return of Gah

Once upon a time, in the ancient land of Wi-Fi and chopped-liver-flavored-icecream-cones, there lived a brainless boy called Gah. Being brainless, he did not know what he knew he should have known. But he did know that he did not know.

One day Gah was watering a river. Just then there was a blinding flash and Boss appeared from nowhere. Or rather, Boss appeared from his cubicle.

Boss: "Disclaimer I -- the forthcoming language is not mine, it's the Dictionary of Politically Correct English. Disclaimer II -- Gah's forte is words of half a syllable or less."

Gah: "Gah?"

Boss: "Oh my Gah, you are (1) alternatively schooled (2) cerebrally challenged (3) uniquely proficient (4) motivationally dispossessed (5) emotionally different (6) involuntarily leisured (7) incompete success, you non-goal-oriented member of society!"

Gah: "Gah?"

Boss: "In simpler words, you are an (1) illiterate (2) stupid (3) incompetent (4) lazy (5) crazy (6) unemployed (7) failure, you bum!"

And Boss vanished in a puff of incandescent pink pipe smoke.

Now Gah was happy and confused. Happy because he had understood all the adjectives Boss had used. Confused because he wasn't sure if he had been complemented or insulted. And more confused because he wasn't sure if "complemented" was a proper word.

Now Gah decided to vindicate himself by developing a new school of philosophy. He would call it "Gah's Profound Philosophy", or GPP.

So Gah withdrew from social life and grew a french beard and became a hismit, or a masculine hermit.

Then he realized that this was inadequate. For GPP-type stuff, one needeth (note the quaint Shakespearan word here) a Thought Process. Which needeth a Brain.

A word about Gah. Gah is a Permanent Resident of Dumboland. He possesseth (Yay Shakespeare! Cute naa?) a nose, a couple of ears, an eye or two, and no Brain.

So Gah decided to grow his very own personal copyrighted Brain.

Now, as you, gentle and discerning reader, know well, growing a Brain is not as simple as growing a Heart, Lungs, or a Spine. For growing a Heart, you need to fall in love. For Lungs, you have to thump your bare chest like Godzilla, with one hand if you want one lung and both hands if you want two lungs. And for a Spine, you need to Blog while Boss is glowering at your back, in which case your vertebrum will grow rapidly and simultaneously send icy shivers up your soon-to-be-laid-off backside. But for growing a Brain, you need psychosomatic neuralgical stem cells. And then you need to water your skull.

So Gah planted some psychosomatic neuralgical stem cells in his nostrils. He then turned the water hose with which he was watering the river upon his own brainless skull. And voila! Within minutes, Ripley's-Can't-Believe-It happened ... Gah's Brain began to grow !!!

First the medulla oblongata blossomed. Then the cerebellum flowered. And finally the cerebrum began to sprout between his very ears.

Gah then sat on his underworked haunches and admired his curvaceous convoluted brain for two days.

He then began using this brain. It was hard work, but fifteen minutes of strenuous frowning and scowling and making ugly-pugly faces and doing mental calisthenics, and the GPP was ready. Aaaannnnnnddd .... bingo !!! Here it is ... the first GPP of the millenium ... !!!

<-- Start of GPP Code Version 1.0 -->

Caution: This is serious stuff!

Einstein expounded the "Two Universe" theory. The GPP propounds the "Parallel Three Universe Theory".

At any given point in time, there are three parallel universes operating. For the sake of brevity, let us call these "Good", "Bad" and "Hybrid". You can also term them "White", "Black" and "Grey", or if you fancy, "Poopledinkylock", "Flammistarionus" and "Hanckolpylian".

Each of us spends some part of our life in each of these three universes. At any instant, we can exist only in one universe. However, in the very next instant, we may be in another universe altogether. The transition from one universe to another is seamless and instantaneous. This explains the shades of Jekyll and Hyde in most of us.

Also, two people who are talking about the same topic with each other at the same time, may be operating in totally different universes. This is the root cause of many common misunderstandings and mistakes.

We can decide which universe we wish to spend the majority of our time in. It requires a combination of intention, willpower and "luck" to achieve the same. While the first two variables are largely in our hands, the third, namely "luck", which often holds veto power over the other two, is not. Luck is determined by the number of vacancies available in each universe. You see, each universe has it's own finite capacity constraints. That is, the number of seats available in the "Good" universe at instant T will be, say, X. If you have the intention and willpower to be "Good" at time T, but if there are already X people who are in the "Good" state at that time, it will imply that your "luck" is bad and you will be unable to move into the "Good" state until the rate of outflow from the "Good" state surpasses the rate of inflow, and adequate vacancies are created to accommodate some or all of the people who have the intention and the willpower to move into the "Good" state. Note also that intention and willpower alone are enough for you to hang on to your existing state for as long as you wish.

The purpose of all religions is to show us ways of staying in the "Good" state.

This theory explains much of human behavioral and thought patterns across time and space. Experimental data has to date been insufficient to prove whether the capacity of each universe is in a fixed and unchangeable proportion to each other, though empirically this is highly improbable.

This, then, is the GPP. Well, we told ya it was serious stuff!

<-- End of GPP Code Version 1.0 -->

By this time, massive brain drain had happened. Gah's brain alias "khopde mein malaai" or "cranium containing the fat of unskimmed milk" had lost all its malaai and shrunk unapologetically to it's original sub-positronic size. Yayyy, we're sure you, like us, are experiencing intestinal relief at last! :)

PS. The latest tragic news is that Gah has turned the fire hydrant onto his head again. So puny mortals, be prepared for further doses of unearthly "wisdom" from Gah The Great going forward ... !!!

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